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(Note: I've done some brief editing on this, but this was difficult to write. I am not sure I'll be revisiting it much.)
Telling someone to “toughen up” or “get over bullying” is not always as easy as it sounds. Even former members of my gaming circle have expressed sentiments like this. When he suggested someone else just get over his unhappy childhood, I asked one simple question. It was, “Do you really think getting over a psychological trauma is that easy?” My problems did not develop overnight. Years of bullying and ostracism from my peers caused anxiety and depression. I may have learned to cope with one but not the other. Several high-profile suicide cases have made news. One was a child of a working poor family. Yet when a child of a working poor family makes the news in a high profile bullying suicide case, someone invariably says that person needed to toughen up. Another person will add that the parents should have gotten that person counseling.
Telling the family that they should have gotten counseling for their depressed child shows how ignorant many people are of the conditions working poor families face. If the family makes too much to qualify for food stamps or other forms of government assistance, they are worse off than other families who make less money. When food, clothes, and shelter must be maintained, medical or mental health care becomes a luxury. The Affordable Care Act eased this situation slightly, but many states did not expand Medicaid coverage. Working poor families may not even be able to get in to programs such as Pennsylvania’s Adult Basic or Indiana’s Healthy Indiana Plan.
Someone who is bullied for years will suffer from depression. Words may cause no physical injury, but repeated emotional abuse causes invisible scars. These scars stay with a bullied child for life. Names, slurs, and repeated insinuations that an individual has no value harm a person’s spirit. It does not matter whether the emotional abuse comes from the child’s peer group or the child’s relatives. Such children may feel like they are never “good enough” or they may go through life with the nagging sensation of failure. These sensations typically become self-fulfilling prophecies. When bullies add violence to their emotional abuse, conditions like post traumatic stress disorder frequently develop.
Those make it through life with the nagging sensation of failure grow up to tell their tales, but adults who were bullied as children do not catch the attention of reporters. These children suffered deep wounds from the actions and words of others. These invisible wounds were never treated because school officials who tolerated the bully led the victim to desperation. A child of a working poor family who falls outside of the income guidelines may not even be able to afford the psychological help that can save their lives. In some cases, the child may have to deal with the same peer group until their graduation ceremony. It was certainly the case for me.
If I get angry when I see such behavior, it’s because it’s personal for me. I was one of those children, and I was lucky. I made it through those difficult years, but not everyone shares my stubbornness. Teenagers often cannot see a way out of a desperate situation. I know the hopelessness this causes. Don’t expect a child or young adult to toughen up, especially if they deal with these problems day after day. They have been strong long enough. The victim of bullying may need to change because the victim learned maladaptive coping behaviors, but the people who try and sometimes succeed in driving these children to suicide need to have their behavior changed as soon as someone sees it.
