I still feel the need to hide expressing emoton, despite transition freeing me doing so

[sinisterporpoise]

 People who are socialized as male – whether they are male or not – are taught to keep most of their feelings to themselves. They are expected to display three feelings at most. Anger, joy and a null state of emotions are all society allows. Feminists decry this as one way the patriarchy harms men, but I am not going to use their language, even if I am using their arguments.  However, transition is in many ways a life-changing experience. While I would not give up what I have gained in the past few years, it is also important to note that I have lost things in the process as well.   Sometimes, however, transgender people do not take advantage of what they have gained, even though they should. Being able to display feelings more openly is one advantage of transition that does not take place easily.  Hormones do not change a lifetime of societally-enforced behavior. Even if someone can show their emotions more freely, it does not mean that they will. Crying might be one of the biggest examples of this.

Men are taught not to cry, or if they do, not to do it openly. Special circumstances, such as the death of a loved one, grant an exception.  Since starting HRT, I’ve found that tears come more easily, especially if it’s something that makes me sad, like hearing of the death of someone’s pet.  Last night, was one of those occasions.  Even though I can cry more freely and openly, I felt the need to hide my tears, because that is what I have always done.

HRT caused many changes, physical, social and emotional.  One of the more difficult ones I faced was experiencing a greater range of emotions at first. (Of course, there was also a childish glee at having breasts, something I wish would have subsided much sooner than it did.)  Even the way I felt anger changed.  It is not the expression of normally repressed emotions; it’s expressed because I have reasons to be angry.

And I must admit I’ve experienced a greater range of mixed emotions, although they are not necessarily contradictory. Perhaps the most recent example is finding out I have the beginnings of osteoarthritis.  While I’m not pleased about this, I was happy that it wasn’t what I feared. In fact, I felt like celebrating because the news was considerably less bad than I feared. (If German doesn’t have a word for this, it should. It’d probably be a variation of schadenfreude.)  I also have mixed feelings about being referred to a physical therapist. I’m afraid, excited, and filled with a desire to waste as much of Anthem Blue Cross/Blue Shields funds as possible for all the crap that they’ve put me through when not covering my estradiol in the past. There’s also a desire to use as many of Indiana’s resources as possible because of their failure to provide adequate safety nets.  Experiencing an array of emotions over a situation is something I rarely experienced presenting as male. I might have once, but my peers, bullies and other quickly taught me that emotions were bad things to have.

As I go through the process of learning to be female, an experience I was denied, I find myself questioning whether I should be hiding this. People may state something if I become too emotionally charged, or view me as overly emotional, but they won’t openly ridicule me.  Women may do a lot of things behind the scenes that I do not understand or know about, and this, unfortunately, is also part of the learning process, and because it’s a social skill, I’m not sure I’ll ever learn it fully.  Maybe one day I’ll even be okay with openly crying rather than trying to hide it.  [Spoiler Alert!] At least for the moment, I’m glad no one saw me cry when Tris’s mother gave up her life for her in Divergent.

[Hmm... I wonder if I should post this on my Blogspot blog.]

Comments

[silk_dragon_zen]

When I was growing up, my mother nearly only ever expressed emotions related to anger / resentment / irritation, etc. When she did express “joy” or laughed, it *always* sounded fake (i.e.: not the least bit spontaneous — nothing like the way most men in our society cheer when their team hits a home run or scores a goal), and her “null” states just seemed like masked fear/anger. My father was the one who more often expressed any caring, could laugh genuinely, express happiness, and could emote sadness on extremely rare occasions.

Feminists decry this as one way the patriarchy harms men, but I am not going to use their language, even if I am using their arguments.

I'm not sure what you mean: you just did use our language to describe it. I know there are some in the social justice community who tend to throw the baby out with the bathwater when it comes to feminism, but feminism isn't nearly as narrow a thing as people from either the SJ communities nor the MRA / gamergater communities insist it is. You're every bit the feminist that I, my mother, and my sister are, even if you don't like that word because some SJers (or MRAs? or even SJers who bought MRA's bs?) define it in a repugnant — and for the vast majority of us inaccurate — way.

[sinisterporpoise]

I'm not sure what is happening to my comments here. But I think I got my playfulness, and perhaps the affinity for the porpoise from my mother.

As for the second point, I'm not sure I'm a social justice person or not. I may have become one without being aware of it. Feminist, however, is a word that still has negative connotations in my mind. I'm not sure why. It could be the vestiges of growing up in a very male-dominated authoritarian church and having a father who is very anti-feminist in his attitudes. (I was not there when he said, "Mormonism is easy for the woman. All you have to do is what your husband tells you." I understand my sister was and ripped into him.)

[silk_dragon_zen]

Good for your sister! 😁 I take it she's not a Mormon anymore?

[sinisterporpoise]

Because it's nearly impossible to get off of the church's roles once you're on them, she's staying on, even if it means Mormons showing up at her house from time to time. She thinks it'll be a good thing if something ever destroys her house.

But with that comment, my father ensured that his current wife will remain Catholic.

[silk_dragon_zen]

Well, just because the Mormon Church doesn't want to let you or your sister go it doesn't mean that the two of you can't leave. Otherwise, it'd be like saying that just because you'll always be your genetic parents' offspring, you can't ever leave home or cut ties with your biological parents. This also applies to adoption: just because someone raised you and *they* still think of you as *theirs*, it doesn't mean you can't leave home or eventually even cut ties with them.

After all, a relationship (parents to their children, spouse to spouse, sibling to sibling, teacher to student; employer to employees) has at least two sides and both have to consent (at least where adults are concerned) for it to be a reality.

[sinisterporpoise]

Getting the name off the roles of the Chruch of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is an incredibly complicated process. I had to write a letter to Greg Dodge, endure several phone calls from the current bishop, get visited by several members of the ward -- which I dodged -- until the church gave up and let it go. I think I've still got a letter from them urging me to consider the 'eternal consequences of my decision.'

My sister no longer considers herself to be Mormon, but she still remains on the roles for selfish reasons.

[silk_dragon_zen]

… but she still remains on the roles for selfish reasons.

Heh: if I were in her place, my selfish reason would be so I wouldn't have to go through all the spoon-draining hoop jumping you just described!