sinisterporpoise: (Default)
 I don’t know why, but I thought it would be good to look back at the past year and the stages I went through today.  Parts of my journey are ones I would like not to repeat, but they are not things I can take back.  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are part of it, but there are also stages that I went through in how I dealt with my new reality. Some of these mimic the states of grieving, and others do not. For me the stages were confusion, fear, a bit of anger, feeling sorry for myself and coming to the stage where I am now.  Something might lie beyond this stage, but I have yet to discover it.

Confusion set in when the severe cramps in my right thigh started to keep me up at night. I wondered what my body was doing and why it was doing it.  Having no insurance at the time failed to help the issue at all.  Trying to figure out what was happening to me and get some relief from the symptoms dominated my thinking.

Fear set in after the first clinic appointment. I was being asked questions about multiple sclerosis, diabetes, rheumatoid arthritis and several other autoimmune diseases. It seemed odd that they would even be asking me these questions since the pain seemed confined to my thigh. It was at that point fear set in.

The doctor’s assurance that it was a pinched nerve in the hip – miralgia paresthetica – only assured me for a little bit. Eventually the pain spread to other areas of the body and I knew something else was going on. I tried to seek other answers, but got told it was likely a meniscus tear. The doctor didn’t even admit she was wrong after the X-rays she ordered came back.  I wondered if it might be one of those scarier diagnoses the first clinic had mentioned.  At this point, I was still without insurance. Finally, I got insurance coverage back and saw my regular doctor. He said fibromyalgia.

At this point, I went through the anger and feeling sorry for myself stages. While I knew this was the best possible diagnosis for what was happening, it also meant he had let me know that I would likely have chronic pain for the rest of my life.  I was angry. I wanted to lash out at others, and I was wallowing in pity. This was the most difficult stage for me to leave.  I’m not proud of my behavior during this time. The misery I felt was something I wanted to share and spread around. With luck, this phase ended before it caused any permanent damage to some of my relationships

Eventually, I came out of this and realized whether I liked it or not – and I don’t –  that I was going to have to live like this.  The pain might be overwhelming at times, and I’ll have to put up with the depression and mood swings as they come.  And this is where I find myself now.  I’ve even come to the point where I recognize that doctors are not all-wise, all-knowing sages and have come to my own theories about what is wrong with me, even if I don’t think it’s wise to share them with my doctors.  I don’t know if this is another part of the process, where you get more and more pieces of the puzzle until it finally all comes together, or if you’re just waiting for your body to show more positive signs of certain illnesses.

As it stands right now, I’m pretty sure I have some kind of connective tissue disorder, especially since the most persistent pains seem to be just above the elbows and just above the knees. The ankles have decided to join the game more permanently know as well.  The fact is, I don’t know for sure, and I recognize that I could be wrong.

I don’t know what happens after this.

 Note: I still feel like crap today. The cough is getting worse, and it’s only be tampered by me sucking on cough drops all day.  I wonder if this is a result of the fluid-filled cysts caused by my Hashimoto’s Disease or just seasonal allergies.  Not that it matters either way. Coughing excessively is exhausting and it hurts after a while, with or without fibromyalgia.

sinisterporpoise: (Default)
I'm beginning to think a lot of the problems I've been having are caused by a thyroid problem, and there are a number of symptoms and now three tests that indicate this.  The most obvious test is, of course, the elevated thyroid antibodies. (There's also finding a fluid-filled cyst in my thyroid, but I understand that is merely a consequence.) The other two tests are the cholesterol test performed a while ago and a triglyceride test performed a few days ago.  Both of these numbers were slightly elevated.  Slightly elevated numbers of these things can also point to a thyroid problem.   Naturally, because the doctors have enough clues to assume that something might be going on with my thyroid, they assume the cholesterol and triglyceride numbers occurred because I'm overweight.

The programmer in me really wants to sit them down and explain to them how conditional statements work.

sinisterporpoise: (Default)
Interesting. I've had something that feels like it almost could be a sore throat for the last couple of days. It's not quite in the right area though, nor does it's in the throat itself. It feels like it's outside of the neck. I really hope it's just from listening to multiple people in real line and on life describe some infection they had to me.  If this is a psychic power, I will give it to anyone else who wants it.
sinisterporpoise: (Default)
Even with both of my feet in casts and in surgical shoes, I still have to submit a reasonable accommodation form to Human resources to get a stool to sit on.  I realize the HR people aren't at the work site, but the managers need to have some discretion in these cases. 
sinisterporpoise: (Default)
Yesterday, my insurance company suggested calling the Indiana University School of Dentistry because they would not cover wisdom teeth removal. This came after a long session with them. Today, I spent a portion of the day trying to contact the oral surgery facilities at IUPUI.  I did not have success. I also spent a good portion of the day working on the E-book I'm planning. There are two essays left.

So, I think the mental exhaustion is justified in some small way.  Hopefully I can have this project done and on the Google Play market by the end of March.
sinisterporpoise: (Default)
 I got paid yesterday. Most of the money is spent. $20 went to a health insurance premium, $45 went for my cell phone bill, and $6 went to feeding my latest addiction, George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire novels. I have around $20 to get through the next week after this. There are not extensive bills, but $100 to get through two weeks is not quite enough.  At least one freelancing client should send their payment Monday, but that extra $25 will not go far either.  I can only draw one conclusion from the current circumstances. I need a better job.

Now, I just need to figure out how to pull this off. Factory work, which is what is mostly available here, is out.


sinisterporpoise: (Default)

September 2017

3456 7 89
1718 1920212223


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 19th, 2017 03:28 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios