sinisterporpoise: (Default)
[personal profile] sinisterporpoise
 It's been an interesting week. I'm not sure how to put it. It's neither been good nor bad. I found out my sprain from the moped accident was a hook of the hamate fracture, and I've spent dozens of frustrating hours trying to figure out why the email server will not work. I wonder if I'm pushing myself too hard with this. I'm already repeating the pattern where my health gets worse at the end of the semester. In any case, it's understandable. Finals are coming up soon and I'll be stressed out over a few of my classes.

However, I've wondered about something totally unrelated to this. I've been engaging in introspective and wonder if I've been white-knighting people. I'm still not entirely sure what this is, but I think I've done it with people I've encountered. I'm notoriously bad with it for people who have borderline personality disorder, I've noticed. I wonder if this is in part due to my own insecurities where for many years I really thought I *was* unlikeable. (Fortunately, I graduated from High school long ago and realized what an artificial environment high school actually is.)  If I understand the context of this phrase, it has more to do with saving people, and most people I do not try to save.   I think, for some people, merely being enough is there. If anyone has a more thorough explanation of this, please let me know.  My name -- intentional or not -- reminds me I should speak for the voiceless. It doesn't say I should speak up for people who are incapable of speaking for themselves.

There's another thing that has crossed my mind regarding myself. I have often tried to emulate others or to wish I was more like others in my life. This often depends on what my needs are in my life at the time. In the past, I needed to be more confident, less anxious, less confrontational, et cetera. There is nothing wrong with focusing on areas where I need improvement, but it ignores something else. It ignores what I do well or what I'm good at. I can wish for the kindness of some silk-obsessed person who lives in Seattle, or for the compassion or the rat caretaker. I may even develop these traits more fully. However, it ignores one fundamental  and obvious problem with emulating someone else. I am not those people. What is wrong with being the playful porpoise that my name suggests I can be?  There's nothing wrong with taking a time out from seriousness.  Even the Dao De Jing reminds us that wise souls are children. (Ursula K. LeGuin's translation. I think the uncle in Avatar: the Last Airbender is the best example of this. He frequently engages in playful childish antics, but his nephew relies on his wisdom.)
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