It's okay for me to feel sad right now; I've lost something important to me through my own actions.
It was not okay for me to lash out at people in my irritation; doing so only caused further problems.
I can regret my actions; I should not regret having a chronic illness.
It has been a crummy week, and I've felt generally crappy as a result of the meltdown. If there is some grand life lesson I can glean from this that I haven't already learned, I do not know what it is. Perhaps it is a matter of asking other people to watch me for signs of things that I might not be aware of, but I don't think that's it. I can glean that chronic conditions suck, people don't believe me, and I can still be a jerk even after the rational mind kicks in if I'm still angry about the situation. Only the last one is particularly helpful in altering my behavior in the future.
I should give myself some slack here. Whether it was through my own actions or not, I have lost something that is important me, and this will affect my mood for a while. I've weathered similar storms. I will get through this. Perhaps something else is waiting just around the corner. I didn't want to pull back from the group because it's hard to meet new friends at my age, and overcoming a lot of my social anxiety disorder doesn't mean it's completely cured. Remnants remain.
What I have now is an opportunity to re-evaluate my situation and make a guess as to where my health is. If the cortisol test *does* come back low, I'll most likely know the cause of this episode, and will probably go through another battery of tests to see if I have another autoimmune disease. If my TSH was off, that will come with a Synthroid dose adjustment. I must remember in the future that even treated cases of Hashimoto's Disease can result in wide mood swings. Asking my endocrinologist if it was possible to get the thyroid removed was tempting, but it's slightly increased size wasn't causing any medical issues. (And well, it's wrong, but a part of me hopes the cortisol test comes back low because that provides an explanation of what happened when I broke my arm and might get me out of the tilt table test.)
For now, I am going to do my best to practice a little bit of self-care to get through this situation. I feel like I should do something nice for myself at some point, perhaps get a new haircut.