sinisterporpoise: (Default)
 It's okay for me to have guilt right now; The feeling is deserved.

It's okay for me to feel sad right now; I've lost something important to me through my own actions.

It was not okay for me to lash out at people in my irritation; doing so only caused further problems.

I can regret my actions; I should not regret having a chronic illness.

It has been a crummy week, and I've felt generally crappy as a result of the meltdown. If there is some grand life lesson I can glean from this that I haven't already learned, I do not know what it is.  Perhaps it is a matter of asking other people to watch me for signs of things that I might not be aware of, but I don't think that's it.  I can glean that chronic conditions suck, people don't believe me, and I can still be a jerk even after the rational mind kicks in if I'm still angry about the situation.  Only the last one is particularly helpful in altering my behavior in the future.  

I should give myself some slack here. Whether it was through my own actions or not, I have lost something that is important me, and this will affect my mood for a while. I've weathered similar storms. I will get through this. Perhaps something else is waiting just around the corner.  I didn't want to pull back from the group because it's hard to meet new friends at my age, and overcoming a lot of my social anxiety disorder doesn't mean it's completely cured. Remnants remain.

What I have now is an opportunity to re-evaluate my situation and make a guess as to where my health is. If the cortisol test *does* come back low, I'll most likely know the cause of this episode, and will probably go through another battery of tests to see if I have another autoimmune disease. If my TSH was off, that will come with a Synthroid dose adjustment.  I must remember in the future that even treated cases of Hashimoto's Disease can result in wide mood swings. Asking my endocrinologist if it was possible to get the thyroid removed was tempting, but it's slightly increased size wasn't causing any medical issues.  (And well, it's wrong, but a part of me hopes the cortisol test comes back low because that provides an explanation of what happened when I broke my arm and might get me out of the tilt table test.)

For now, I am going to do my best to practice a little bit of self-care to get through this situation. I feel like I should do something nice for myself at some point, perhaps get a new haircut. 

sinisterporpoise: (Default)
Before anyone panics,  I don't think it's that serious, especially if the endocrinologist just said to stop taking Synthroid for two days and have the test done again.  I've gone to the hyperthyroid phase, but I don't  think this means I've gone into Hashitoxicosis.

I wanted to go to the hospital to visit a sick friend because she had been in it for over a week.  She spent most of the time sedated, under restraint and on a feeding tube. The abscess got cut out, but they needed to take care of the bacterial infection. She was in good spirits, talking and very ready to leave the hospital.  I'm happy she's doing well.

In the meantime, I knew I was waiting for lab tests from my endocrinologist. I expected them to come back normal. After all, I had only agreed to have it tested in order to get someone to go to the ER for severe abdominal pain they were complaining about on a fibro forum. (The description sounded like a Kidney stone to me, but I am not a doctor and there were a lot of serious things that could cause abdominal pain.)

On the way into Indinapolis, I got a call on my free Lifeline phone. I recognized the number as belonging to my endocrinologist's office. I expected her to report that the tests came back fine and that she would see me in August.

That did not happen. When I heard the tone in the voice, it was not one of everythig's okay, it's okay, It was the tone of I'm delivering bad news which needs to be addressed in a few days.  (Which sounds about right for hyperthyrodirism.  I had low Free T4 and a TSH of .01.   I'll have to call my doctor tomorrow and have him schedule a Thyroid ultrasound because the lump in the throat feeling with pain is back.

sinisterporpoise: (Default)
If I hadn't seen Deadpool, today would have sucked. Regarding Deadool: Best. Opening. Credit. Sequence. Ever. Things got bad after that. I was flaring and went to physical therapy after that. (I have to go through physical therapy for SSI and so the insurance company will finally aporrove an MRI to get a closer look at what's going on in the leg. I wish the first doctor hadn't jumped so quickly to fibromyalgia without doing any testing.) I was sweating, heart was racing, and I got dizzy after doing some stretches at the mirror. They insist I make an appointment with my primary care physician, which I do.

I go back home, rest a bit, and then go to the doctor's appointment. Never mind that I have to drive to Indy to see my endocrinologist tomorrow. I go in, coughing violently, and am eventually taken back to a patient's room. For the fourth time in less than a year or so, I've come down with bronchitis. He rights a prescription for Singulair, some cough pearls, whatever they are, and apparently Nasonex. I tell him to send this prescription to the CVS by my house so I can save money.

He says fine, and tells me it'll take about an hour for them to fill the prescription. So, after the appointment ends, I go back home and watch TV until I go out again. I get to the CVS and find out that they don't have the prescription. I go home, call the Sam's Club Pharmacy and found out my doctor's office faxed it to them. So, I go search for the keys which I have managed to lose, find them, and then head out to Sam's Club. When I get there, they have the prescriptions ready. I find out that my insurance won't pay for the Nasonex for whatever reoason and that it's $250. This is a bit hard to swing when you're unemployed and your only income comes in the form of food stamps. (I'm still waiting to hear from Voc Rehab.) So, I can't take normal OTC nasal sprays because they don't mix well with hypothyroidism, and my insurance company won't pay for the prescription one.


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