Jumbled thoughts before going to get my teeth filled

[sinisterporpoise]

 For now, I am just going to write down some thoughts that may or may not be at random. I seem to be unable to think of a single topic of this post, perhaps because I’m more focused on the dental appointment or if I come back to this later, dealing with the after effects. 

Now, I’ve somehow managed to get an interview.  I’m not sure how, nor am I sure I can do it. I know the job doesn’t involve standing all day long.  I really don’t have the clothes for it, nor am I sure that this is what I want. I am only doing it because some bureaucrat has told me that I need to do this to continue getting benefits.  (This experience will probably be filed under the “Indiana sucks” portion of my mind, even though it only deals with one part of the experience, and not the whole state.)

As annoying as the interview is, I’ve also been thinking about a recent conversation and how I react to such things. I’m not sure if it was simple fog or a communication gap, but I got the feeling I didn’t understand what the other person said entirely.  I think my attitude might have been part of the problem. I acknowledged I screwed up, eventually tried to stop defending my position, and made a note to change my behavior in the future. I’m not sure if it was fog or a stunning lack of empathy on my part. In any case, I know I still have a long way to go when it comes to overcoming culturally absorbed attitudes on many things, including disability. And I should have not have used the language I used, even if I were quoting someone else.  Now, if I can just make sure that I understand what the other person is trying to say, even if they have to get through some incredibly thick fibro fog. The other party has every right to be annoyed at me for doing this.

Since  I mentioned something with an emotional impact, and this is a case where I’m not sure I understood the emotions the other person was trying to convey, I might as well go on to the topic of physical hugs.   I let people do it because it is important to them. I’m not getting anything out of it, unless they manage to press on the wrong part of my skin.  If they do that, I’ll feel a physical sensation, and the expression of pain sometimes makes others feel guilty. (And I feel bad after these occasions)  I’ve gotten over my phobia over hugs, which I think came that being touched was a constant reminder that my body was wrong.

And the final thing on my mind, before I go to the dentist’s office are web site accessibility issues. I wonder if there were changes that could make them more easily accessible. It’s not a pressing issue right now.  I thought about having each article read aloud and making the audio accessible, but I’m not sure that would solve the problem. As for potential designs favoring left-handed users, such a thing would be unintentional, even if it existed.

Now, I’m off to the dentist. It’d have been nice to have my wisdom teeth pulled by now, but at least they’ve stopped hurting.  For some reason, the dental company doesn't think teeth extractions would be a necessary part of dental care.

Comments

[sinisterporpoise]

A follow up on the dentist appointment: They thought they were going to do teeth extraction. I thought they were just going to do fillings. Despite being 38 and having had many safe dental procedures, I still have a phobia about tooth extractions done with Novocaine. I probably wouldn't feel this way if I didn't remember a visit to the dentist for a molar extraction when I was six. The dentist injected me with Novocaine, but it didn't work. There's a reason why I had sedation dentistry done when I had my left wisdom teeth removed. Failing to offer an alternative is *not* going to calm me down. The memory of six-year-old Lara's dental health misadventure is not going to go away any time soon.

[silk_dragon_zen]

Thanks so much for posting about this. I've had numerous fibrofog-induced cognitive lapses / social skills failures over my life, too. It wasn't till the past few years that I finally started to really get it that just because I didn't mean to hurt someone's feelings doesn't mean their feelings “oughtn't” to be hurt. I wish I'd developed the ability to see things from other people's points of view way earlier in life — like when I was a small kid, rather than not till my late 40s.

I have always cared about people, but I just couldn't figure out how they might feel without reading extensively people's blogs about the impact of other people's behavior, and reading advice blogs like Real Social Skills (and many, many others, especially by disabled bloggers and/or people of color).

These days, it's much easier. But it took years of me working at it — like decades — before I started to internalize an understanding of how any other person interacting with me might feel and learn to respond compassionately to how they react to my blunders.

[sinisterporpoise]

One of the best learning activities of my adult life has been putting my foot in my mouth.