I know it's silly to regret something like this, but....

[sinisterporpoise]

 Tuesday was a busy day. I spent the morning running around, trying to fulfill the requirements of the IMPACT program, as I was not sure that I had been released from those obligations yet. I found out that an additional form was needed, which I picked up and dropped off at the necessary office. I went to Sam’s Club to pick up prescriptions, dropped off applications, and returned home briefly, before heading out again. During this brief time, I struggled with a thought that has occupied my mind lately. It’s a strange desire for me, and one I will probably blame on the estrogen. For the last few weeks, I’ve been regretting the fact that I can never have children.

I never wanted children before, and I usually point to my nephew as a good reason why I should not personally have offspring. After all, why does there need to be another person who would likely have a similar criminal disposition running around?  However, it’s a bit deeper than just wanting children. When the thought comes to my mind, it’s contemplating motherhood. For some reason, the idea of being a father still seems unappealing  I do not know if it’s some sort of bizarre biological clock going off, or if I can attribute it to hormone replacement therapy.

Is this a common feeling among transgender individuals? I do not know. Everyone has regrets if they live long enough.  It seems strange that something I never even considered before becomes a regret even though it is a physical impossibility.

As this thought works its way through my mind, I can only hope that I will get the opportunity to do this in another life. For all I know, I could have done it in the past.  If this is the case, I do not want to do it within the confines of the Mormon heaven. Being part of a harem does not sound all that pleasant to me. (The church may have changed this doctrine, but I believe it remains intact.)  I’d rather come back to this planet or another one with the required parts and try it then support the idea that my eternal destiny is to produce new souls along with other women bound to the same male spirit as I am.   Reincarnation, if it exists, may give me a chance to experience motherhood outside of the Celestial Kingdom, but I do not know if desires last from one life to the next.

I know from many years ago that my father felt he had his first two children in the order he wanted them.  In his mind, he had one girl and one boy with my mother. He even told me he  made sure this happened. While I know this is scientifically impossible, there is still a part of me that wonders what might have happened if he had not tried to arrange things this way.