sinisterporpoise: (Default)
 I came down off of last week feeling slightly better. I was eager to start school and I had enough of resting and doing nothing for a long time. I’m also faced with a question regarding my LARPing activities, since they are not pressing the issue much, but I will get to that later. Right now, I’m just happy not to be sitting in the house and moping all day.


Almost all of my class materials have been bought, except for the one the teacher decided to spring on his students the first day. Even though there should be some sort of policy against this behavior, IvyTech does not seem to have one. Coming up with $48 for the code would not be slightly difficult under normal circumstances, but my circumstances are not normal. As I write this, I am sitting in the Wi-Fi study lounge, taking a quick break from doing some of the coursework. It’s been a busy week and I have a lot to cover. The book does not come with a code in the bookstore.


The first item is public transportation. I’m not overly impressed with Terre Haute’s bus system, but I am glad it is there. Bus trips take longer than car trips, but they must accommodate all the stops in between. I even managed to get to physical therapy yesterday without having to be driven there. (Note: The roommate isn’t letting me drive while the arm is healing; I decided not to drive at least until two days after the tilt table test. While I strongly suspect POTS* or some other form of Dysatonomia, I would like confirmation if possible. At least I know I’m not the first spoonie to be cheering for a medical test to come back positive. We know something is wrong; Our doctors think we’re nuts or doing it for attention. One thing that seems odd to have done at 39 is to set the alarm for 5 pm and miss the bus to get to classes. Fortunately, even though this event happened today, my roommate took me to class. I really wish I could do something to properly thank Cathy for all she’s done through this.


I think I’ve rediscovered my love of computers, programming them, working on them (somewhat – I’ve never been too thrilled with hardware issues. Some of these repairs require coordination.) I’m not sure that server administration is right for me and part of me really wants to switch to software development. My primary objection to coding so many years ago was the Visual suite of programming applications and look-alikes like Delphi. These programming environments have been replaced by programming for the web. I’m perfectly fine with doing that.


The first week is over. I’m a little nervous about whether or not I can keep down assignments. The idea some professors have of skipping the lectures and putting the information down as PowerPoint presentations bothers me, but I’ll get to this over the weekend. At least the school has provided lunch from a local barbecue place for the past few days. Eating it outdoors yesterday was a nice break.


As for the Mind’s Eye Society, I need to pay my dues, and I’m going to do that anyway. Now that I’m not mad, I can see where they are coming from. They wanted me to be in better control of my actions and emotions. I believe this attitude comes from the games itself where someone can spend willpower to temporarily override what the game calls derangements. Real life does not work this way. Suppressing something temporarily only causes it to pop up somewhere else later. If the Changeling storyteller hadn’t been the target that night, someone else would have been. Sadly, the only person who gets any of this is the person with Graves’ Disease who had his own melt downs about a year ago before taking medication to suppress his thyroid. I don’t know how many of them also have the attitude that people get better. No one has any idea that people with Hashimoto’s get put on an emotional rollercoaster, whether they want to be or not. I think they’re getting that idea now.


Before I ramble too much, the issue is this. I can come back. These meltdowns are going to happen continuously until my immune system kills off my thyroid. (I hope it doesn’t go searching for something else to attack after it’s done, but I’ve only seen a suggestion that it automatically happens on extremely pseudo-scientific websites.) If I am concerned about not hurting people over this, the best thing to do is quit. It is no different than a baseball pitcher who has to give up his career after a rotator cuff injury. I may have no choice but to be on an emotional rollercoaster, but I don’t want to take everyone around me with me. I’m not even paralyzed by anxiety over this; I simply don’t want to do it. No matter how many times I tell myself it’s the right course of action, I just can’t bring myself to believe it emotionally.

I have not asked for accommodations, but it does not seem like I'll need the school to do anything so far.


*It may be okay to just say I have it in casual conversation. The same might be true for EDS. It’s just telling doctors what I have should be avoided unless it’s already been documented or they need to know. That makes them suspicious. At least I have confirmed Hashimoto’s Disase.

sinisterporpoise: (Default)
 It's okay for me to have guilt right now; The feeling is deserved.

It's okay for me to feel sad right now; I've lost something important to me through my own actions.

It was not okay for me to lash out at people in my irritation; doing so only caused further problems.

I can regret my actions; I should not regret having a chronic illness.

It has been a crummy week, and I've felt generally crappy as a result of the meltdown. If there is some grand life lesson I can glean from this that I haven't already learned, I do not know what it is.  Perhaps it is a matter of asking other people to watch me for signs of things that I might not be aware of, but I don't think that's it.  I can glean that chronic conditions suck, people don't believe me, and I can still be a jerk even after the rational mind kicks in if I'm still angry about the situation.  Only the last one is particularly helpful in altering my behavior in the future.  

I should give myself some slack here. Whether it was through my own actions or not, I have lost something that is important me, and this will affect my mood for a while. I've weathered similar storms. I will get through this. Perhaps something else is waiting just around the corner.  I didn't want to pull back from the group because it's hard to meet new friends at my age, and overcoming a lot of my social anxiety disorder doesn't mean it's completely cured. Remnants remain.

What I have now is an opportunity to re-evaluate my situation and make a guess as to where my health is. If the cortisol test *does* come back low, I'll most likely know the cause of this episode, and will probably go through another battery of tests to see if I have another autoimmune disease. If my TSH was off, that will come with a Synthroid dose adjustment.  I must remember in the future that even treated cases of Hashimoto's Disease can result in wide mood swings. Asking my endocrinologist if it was possible to get the thyroid removed was tempting, but it's slightly increased size wasn't causing any medical issues.  (And well, it's wrong, but a part of me hopes the cortisol test comes back low because that provides an explanation of what happened when I broke my arm and might get me out of the tilt table test.)

For now, I am going to do my best to practice a little bit of self-care to get through this situation. I feel like I should do something nice for myself at some point, perhaps get a new haircut. 

sinisterporpoise: (transgender)
This week was a busy week. I spent most of it writing trying to boost content. I enjoy writing, but it's not exactly easy on my elbows, especially with the tendinitis. I also found out that I can hyperextend my elbows today, which prompted my rheumatoogist to use the phrase "ligament laxity." Of course, she had to know this was the case with my ankles and with the knees from the PT reports. I've also been sent back there, but although I make it sound like a big deal, I don't really mind.  Sometimes, the PT can provide nearly complete pain relief.  

So, I think the ability to hyperextend my knees and elbows puts me at a 4/9 on the Beighton scale.  So, does this pretty much confirm a self-diagnosis of EDS-HT or Benign Joint Hypermobility Syndrome?   I guess I'll find out in October. On the other hand, the rhuematologist seems to be treating it the same way hypermobility would be treated. She used the phrase "ligament laxity" in today's appointment.

Today's rheumatologist appointment was the second medical appointment I had today. I went into the same building early this morning to have an ultrasound of my thyroid taken. This process would take less time if they didn't have to measure any fluid-filled cysts they find.  (I know at least two have been there since last year. I'll hear back from the endo's office in a couple of days. I doubt the news will be much different than last time.)

Now, on the advice of the doctor, I'm going to give up typing for several week to see if this helps my tennis elbow at all. The downside of this is that this may reduce my income to zero while waiting for the tendons to heal, if they do.  At least it may mean this. I may decide to use Window's speech recognition software against my better judgment.

I'll be making the announcements later tonight or tomorrow. At least this won't keep me off of YouTube.

sinisterporpoise: (Default)
Before anyone panics,  I don't think it's that serious, especially if the endocrinologist just said to stop taking Synthroid for two days and have the test done again.  I've gone to the hyperthyroid phase, but I don't  think this means I've gone into Hashitoxicosis.

I wanted to go to the hospital to visit a sick friend because she had been in it for over a week.  She spent most of the time sedated, under restraint and on a feeding tube. The abscess got cut out, but they needed to take care of the bacterial infection. She was in good spirits, talking and very ready to leave the hospital.  I'm happy she's doing well.

In the meantime, I knew I was waiting for lab tests from my endocrinologist. I expected them to come back normal. After all, I had only agreed to have it tested in order to get someone to go to the ER for severe abdominal pain they were complaining about on a fibro forum. (The description sounded like a Kidney stone to me, but I am not a doctor and there were a lot of serious things that could cause abdominal pain.)

On the way into Indinapolis, I got a call on my free Lifeline phone. I recognized the number as belonging to my endocrinologist's office. I expected her to report that the tests came back fine and that she would see me in August.

That did not happen. When I heard the tone in the voice, it was not one of everythig's okay, it's okay, It was the tone of I'm delivering bad news which needs to be addressed in a few days.  (Which sounds about right for hyperthyrodirism.  I had low Free T4 and a TSH of .01.   I'll have to call my doctor tomorrow and have him schedule a Thyroid ultrasound because the lump in the throat feeling with pain is back.

sinisterporpoise: (Default)
If I hadn't seen Deadpool, today would have sucked. Regarding Deadool: Best. Opening. Credit. Sequence. Ever. Things got bad after that. I was flaring and went to physical therapy after that. (I have to go through physical therapy for SSI and so the insurance company will finally aporrove an MRI to get a closer look at what's going on in the leg. I wish the first doctor hadn't jumped so quickly to fibromyalgia without doing any testing.) I was sweating, heart was racing, and I got dizzy after doing some stretches at the mirror. They insist I make an appointment with my primary care physician, which I do.

I go back home, rest a bit, and then go to the doctor's appointment. Never mind that I have to drive to Indy to see my endocrinologist tomorrow. I go in, coughing violently, and am eventually taken back to a patient's room. For the fourth time in less than a year or so, I've come down with bronchitis. He rights a prescription for Singulair, some cough pearls, whatever they are, and apparently Nasonex. I tell him to send this prescription to the CVS by my house so I can save money.

He says fine, and tells me it'll take about an hour for them to fill the prescription. So, after the appointment ends, I go back home and watch TV until I go out again. I get to the CVS and find out that they don't have the prescription. I go home, call the Sam's Club Pharmacy and found out my doctor's office faxed it to them. So, I go search for the keys which I have managed to lose, find them, and then head out to Sam's Club. When I get there, they have the prescriptions ready. I find out that my insurance won't pay for the Nasonex for whatever reoason and that it's $250. This is a bit hard to swing when you're unemployed and your only income comes in the form of food stamps. (I'm still waiting to hear from Voc Rehab.) So, I can't take normal OTC nasal sprays because they don't mix well with hypothyroidism, and my insurance company won't pay for the prescription one.

sinisterporpoise: (Default)
 I have managed to pull out of another funk, but it was not an easy process. The increased frequency of the negative mood swings worries me. I can find plenty of reasons it might be happening, including the Hashimoto’s Disease process, although I’m pretty sure my hormone levels as well as my TSH are still within the normal range. I’ll find out when I get the levels tested again next month.  However, all of this has lead to another decision. I should engage in more things to take care of myself. 

These items, which may be referred to as self care by some are things I should manage to commit to every day.  Some of these will be more difficult than others. Some of them I’ve even incorporated into my routine with more success than I expected, although I have had considerably less success than I would like.

Some of this comes from chats I’ve had with others, including one person who reads this blog, others are modified suggestions from my therapist. (If she is reading this, I am not suffering from a self-confidence crisis. It’s not that I can’t do the things you were suggesting. It’s that people seem to be unwilling to give me the opportunity.)

The reader may have guessed that this would be in the form of a list. This would have been a correct assumption.  Since they have given me the time to get around to it, I might as well start.

-Exercise at least 5 days a week. For now, this may mean simple things like doing the stretch band exercises, toying with the free weights, and getting walks in as long as my legs and feet are willing to cooperate.  If I can manage to pay the back fees, I’ll start swimming, doing the exercise bike and trying some heavier weight lifting at the Y as well.

-Get more vegetables into my diet. (I’ve managed to get this with the meals I make. Now if I could just get the roommate to start making them with meals.  As much as I love potatoes, they do not count as a vegetable in this context.)

-Take five minutes out of each day to enjoy some quiet. I’ll try meditation or prayer during this time.

-Write a little something each day. It doesn’t have to be much. This item appeals to my inner bard.

-Listen to my body when my symptoms are out of their usual range. Pushing through some things is fine, but if I’m flaring, it might be a good idea to postpone grocery shopping trips, or at least get the roommate to understand a little bit better that she doesn’t need to make shopping trips longer for unimportant projects while she can see I’m in pain. (This does not apply if she has a migraine.)

-Let my playful side out a bit more, but within reason I've been told I have one, and. least I think I have one. Other people have told me my trolling attempts in online games aren’t so much mean as they are full of play.

After talking to the therapist yesterday, I have some ideas that should bring a small income in. While it wouldn’t be as much as I was making while working normally, it is far better than the income I had coming in.  It may mean volunteering as a Bell Ringer for the Salvation Army as well.  Now, I’ve got to figure out why my left toe hurts and has been for the past few days. It’s probably arthritis or something related to the bone spur surgery back in April.

sinisterporpoise: (Default)
 I'm sorry for not including a caption right now. I can't find my glasses right now and the print is rather small. I'll come back to it and add a caption later.

sinisterporpoise: (Default)
I'm beginning to think a lot of the problems I've been having are caused by a thyroid problem, and there are a number of symptoms and now three tests that indicate this.  The most obvious test is, of course, the elevated thyroid antibodies. (There's also finding a fluid-filled cyst in my thyroid, but I understand that is merely a consequence.) The other two tests are the cholesterol test performed a while ago and a triglyceride test performed a few days ago.  Both of these numbers were slightly elevated.  Slightly elevated numbers of these things can also point to a thyroid problem.   Naturally, because the doctors have enough clues to assume that something might be going on with my thyroid, they assume the cholesterol and triglyceride numbers occurred because I'm overweight.

The programmer in me really wants to sit them down and explain to them how conditional statements work.


sinisterporpoise: (Default)

September 2017

3456 7 89
1718 1920212223


RSS Atom

Most Popular Tags

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 19th, 2017 03:30 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios