sandy river swimming

Jul. 21st, 2017 08:33 pm
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
[personal profile] alatefeline
This afternoon I went to the Sandy River.

Read more... )

this red tape is made of blood

Jul. 21st, 2017 01:24 pm
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
[personal profile] alatefeline
Paperwork headdesking: a simplified transcript.

Warnings for major complications of the 'bureaucracy is literally trying to kill you' sort, systemic transmisia & ableism & classism, capitalism devouring its young.

Read more... )

FUCK FUCK FUCK. *sound effects of smashing things, ripping with vicious claws*

I'm going out. *doorslam*

ETA: I did indeed go out and that was good. I went swimming in a river! And other things have come along that need dealt with, sigh. Thank you for all the support, both those of you who have commented and anyone reading and well-wishing later. I may close comments here shortly because I need to move on mentally; we'll see. <3
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[personal profile] reviews_and_ramblings
Arrows Through Archer Nash Summers
Gay - Contemporary Romance
Paperback: 308 pages
Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform; 1 edition (June 13, 2017)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1547280700
ISBN-13: 978-1547280704
Amazon: Arrows Through Archer Nash Summers

After the loss of his parents, Archer Hart is consumed by grief. Each day, he struggles his way through classes, parties, and trying to put on a good front for the sake of his best friend. But at night, he falls asleep to the sound of gunshots ringing in his ears. Mallory is a man fighting a war of emotions all his own. When his son invites his best friend back home to Banff over a college break, he’s happy for the company. Some time during the late-night talks, subtle smiles, and long, long silences, the two men begin to find solace in one another. But love isn’t always easy, especially when it strikes you straight through the heart.
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[personal profile] reviews_and_ramblings
Hearts of Darkness Andrea Speed
Gay - Fantasy
Paperback
Publisher: DSP Publications (November 8, 2016)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1634775481
ISBN-13: 978-1634775489
Amazon: Hearts of Darkness Andrea Speed

Kaede Hiyashi is sick and tired of living in the shadow of his father, supervillain Doctor Terror. Brilliant but crazy, Doctor Terror sends his son to Corwyn, California, for reasons Kaede can't imagine. Sent to accompany and protect him is Ash, a genetically modified supersoldier raised and trained by an infamous death cult.

Corwyn is lousy with superheroes, led by the obnoxious Dark Justice. Kaede finds himself dancing around Dark Justice as he digs into his father's mysterious business and teaches his socially awkward--but physically lethal--bodyguard to acclimate to "normal" life. Can these two wacky supervillains figure out what Doctor Terror wants them to do, solve the riddle of the villain known as Black Hand, and keep Dark Justice from raining on their bloody parade? The course of love--and world domination--never did run smooth.
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[personal profile] reviews_and_ramblings
Come to the Oaks: The Story of Ben and Tobias Bryan T. Clark
Gay - Historical
Paperback: 274 pages
Publisher: Cornbread Publishing; 1 edition (March 6, 2017)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0997056231
ISBN-13: 978-0997056235
Amazon: Come to the Oaks: The Story of Ben and Tobias Bryan T. Clark

In 1845, as America is drowning in its own racial conflict, in a time when forbidden love has to remain a secret, can two young men find love when one has everything to lose, and the other has nothing? For Tobias, a young African man, life has ended before it began. Snatched abruptly from his homeland and enslaved into the Antebellum South, grand homes and majestic oak trees meant little to him. Now he is considered the property of other men, but his spirit would not be broken. The awkward Benjamin Nathanael Lee lives a privileged life. His father owns the largest tobacco plantation south of the Mason Dixon line. Ben wants little to do with the harsh realities of running a plantation—that is, until he meets Tobias, the one person that changes everything for him. Wealth, greed, and power brought them together. The same now threatens to separate them forever. The two men are on the verge of losing the one thing that matters: their love for one another. Against the odds, they steal off and embark on a journey to find freedom: the freedom to love one another and to live a life without the chains of slavery. Come to the Oaks is the tale of a forbidden romance—a love forged by two young men as they journey through a land that is tearing itself apart.
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[personal profile] sinisterporpoise
There's one more week left in the summer semester. My pain levels are slightly higher, as they usually are when the classes are winding down. I have the stress of the two finals I have left. CompTIA A+'s certification test is the most important one for me. I'm sure my biology teacher would be disappointed to hear this, but I've figured out that a lot of what I learned in High school biology no longer applies. It's not just that it's paired down. It's that a lot has changed.  But, this is entirely okay, I took the class to update my knowledge of biology and because the class interested me. I'll keep the textbook and tried to read it again when I have time. I'm afraid I couldn't learn as much in a summer class as I should have. The pacing is too fast.

However, that's not what is on my mind. I've been thinking about my bizarre relationship with Otherkin. Before I learned that this group existed, I held the belief that I have a female spirit and that was the cause of my gender identity issues. When I learned what Otherkin believed, I dropped the idea because I was embarrassed by it. I was even more embarrassed when they claimed they were the only people who could understand what transgender people were going through. I did not want to associate myself with people who believed that they had the soul of a dragon, a werewolf, a vampire, or a Tolkeinesque elf.  It was even more embarassing when the Lord of the Rings came out and some of these people said the depictions of the elves matched their memories from their Elven lives.

My belief about my gender identity came from my Mormon background, where we have spiritual as well as physical bodies. It made sense to me that, for whatever reason, god would sometimes put a female spirit into a male spirt or vice versa. If you want to believe god is perfect and does not make this sort of mistake, you can shift the burden of blame to his angels. Some people reconcile this by saying god didn't make a mistake. Such placements, when they occur are deliberate.  Like many people, I wanted a cause for my suffering. It's easier to tell yourself that god is testing you when you hold beliefs like I did. (Mormon theology holds that life is a test, after all.)

If pressed on this issue in public, I would not admit to holding this belief for the reasons state above, but like it or not, it is an explanation that dovetails nicely with Mormon belief. It also dovetails nicely with what Otherkin believe.  This does not mean I am Otherkin; I associate this, -- rightly or wrongly -- with people who believe they have the soul of mythological creatures.  I also no longer hold the Mormon beliefs about the pre-existence.

Taoism offers a better explanation for this, although modern science offfers the best one. The two dovetail with each other. I am transgender because of natural processes that occurred within my mother's womb that caused my brain to develop differently from my body.  As someone whose gender fits neatly into the gender binary, I can at least fall back on this. I do not know if agender people will have a similar explanation or not later.

All of this may be interesting, but what I believe is not the important issue here. It's how I react to what other people believe. For a while I wondered if Otherkin suffered from a mental illness. I used to worry about it. (This makes sense if you know my history and understand the time when I fist encountered the Otherkin belief system.)   Eventually, I came to the conclusion that as long as the vampires otherkin aren't killing and drinking the blood of others and the werewolves aren't actively hunting down their prey, that these beliefs were harmless. This is how I'm dealing with multiples right now, or at least how I am trying to understand them. There's no harm in saying that I do not understand multiples right now. The belief that they are inhabited by multiple individuals isn't much different from me recognizing thoughst as coming from different parts of myself. The only real difference is that I never felt the need to give these parts a name.  Strangely, I've not felt that there are different parts of myself any more. Perhaps this is a side effect of transition.  I'm no longer fighting between how I present myself to the world and how I feel about myself on most days. Perhaps it is not.  Multiples who do not harm themselves or others should not be a concern for me.   If they are wrong, they have committed no worse crime than being wrong.  Heaven knows we've all done that.

P.S. I still believe in spirits and that spirits have gender. I just don't believe in the Heavenly procreation narrative the Mormons push.  

writey thing

Jul. 19th, 2017 07:46 pm
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
[personal profile] alatefeline
Actually worked a bit on the Writey Thing for the first time, I think, since April.

I somehow drabbled. This is pure setting-background scenery-brainstorming sense-detail, came out in second person for no particular reason, dunno if it will be in the story, but I have got to be writing on the regular, I need that habit and that mode of expression. I'll take it.

Mentions food, wilderness. Here it is.

Read more... )
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
[personal profile] alatefeline
got sucked into computerland for a bit

going for a walk

will check things when I get back

went and did stuff

Jul. 18th, 2017 08:59 pm
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
[personal profile] alatefeline
Petted FOUR cats on neighborhood walk this morning. Porch Cat, Calico Neighbor Cat, the little bitty mostly-white calico who seems to be their neighbor and rival, and a black and slightly-tuxedo cat out for a walk with his person.

Did a bit of chores of the paperwork-y sort, and communicated reasonably well with S about chores’n’stuff.

Sent my sibling B a picture of me with my genderqueer-flag-striped cat-face button!

Today met up with the excellent [personal profile] kengr at Powell’s City of Books in the afternoon. We had a great conversation. Hooray for people I like to talk to actually living somewhere nearish! Did not buy ALL the things though I was tempted. Also I got a couple of books by C.J. Cherryh, who is a very good writer. Mwahahaha.

Had a great walk. [Content note: Exercise, food, brain weirdness, body weirdness] Read more... )

Found some things that might could be useful while walking. Made tentative plans/options for hopefully-productive tomorrow.

Fallout

Jul. 18th, 2017 01:24 pm
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[personal profile] sinisterporpoise
I could not think of any other title for this post. The only thing that involves Fallout in my life is a certain video game I've been playing. I'm still in a good mood. A lot of things have gone well.  I'm even coming up on the end of the semester. It will be nice to take the three week break before the fall semester starts. I certainly could use it at this point.  I don't know if I'll ever have the chance to take three college courses over the summer again, but if I do, I'll have to remember not to make that option.

As far as the social security decision, I am waiting for it to come in the mail. I do not know how long this will take, and I've been checking the mailbox every day. It seems like there has been no mail delivered for the past week and a half. I am starting to wonder why we have not gotten mail in this period, but I should relax. It's not unusual to have periods without mail.

In my spare time, I've been doing things like this...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XsWorIK--gA&t=2s


I'm sorry if this seems dull. It's just that there's a lot going on in my life right now, but there aren't the sort of things that are interesting to write about. 

delight as a daily practice

Jul. 17th, 2017 09:58 pm
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
[personal profile] alatefeline
Things which have, today, delighted me:

Improvements in my overall mental and physical functioning of late; most especially, the energy to do small practical things and random acts of kindness without nearly always stalling out somewhere between the idea and the result.

People being happy about things I have said and done for them or for the world in general: an online friend who got a package, a physical-space neighbor who is possibly on the way to being an actual friendly acquaintance, a partner who gave & got help, listening, and smiles, a passerby who called us superheroes for putting out a smoldering leaf pile where someone had tossed a cigarette.

Petting numerous cats. So many! So fluffy! So purr! 3 of 4 cat sightings successfully negotiated to pets on my morning walk, plus 1 kitty this evening on the way back from the car. Cats yesterday, too!

Our garden plot. The shade of the central fig tree is extraordinarily peaceful. In various plots, there are strawberries, blackberries, raspberries, and blueberries in some stage of bearing fruit. In our plot, we have lots of herbs, lots of things growing that aren’t harvestable at the moment, and a tremendous bumper crop of green beans! I am managing - so far - to handle totally-reasonable-in-origin worries about watering enough, weeding enough, and logging required community service hours despite the entirely unreasonable level of anxiety the provoke. With the rich compost that I nurtured on my shovel and the herbs that I grew in my mouth and the sun on my back and the wind on my face, it’s pretty doable.

Dreamwidth, and the community I find there. Thanks.

AI movement

Jul. 17th, 2017 09:53 am
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
[personal profile] alatefeline
AI teaches itself to walk, run, jump inside a physics simulation. Comes up with a flappy runny sometimes-sideways walking style. Looks inefficient to many self-appointed experts. Works well.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gn4nRCC9TwQ

I am feeling my robot side today. And angry that people have a problem with flappy arm running.

*zoom*

EDIT: Note to self: Write a proper video transcript/descript to share, darn it!
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[personal profile] reviews_and_ramblings
The Rules of Love Cara Malone
Lesbian - Contemporary Romance
Paperback: 298 pages
Publisher: Independently published (May 15, 2017)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1521294968
ISBN-13: 978-1521294963
Amazon: The Rules of Love Cara Maloneh

Maxine Saddler has never been in love. She knows exactly what it looks like – she’s spent years studying the phenomenon in other people, but her Asperger syndrome makes it far too anxiety-provoking to attempt such a thing in her own life. Instead, she focuses exclusively on academics. She’s 23 years old, starting grad school, and perfectly content to ignore the world beyond her textbooks. That is, until she meets Ruby Satterwhite, who makes Max want to give love one more shot. Ruby is the consummate social butterfly – sorority president, extracurricular list a mile long, and stunning to boot. In short, she’s way out of Max’s league, and on top of it all, she kind of hates Max for how she blurts out whatever’s on her mind, no matter how blunt. But when they’re thrown grudgingly together for a group project in their first class, the heavens open up and the sparks begin to fly. There are only two problems – Ruby’s still pining for her perfect ex-girlfriend. It’s time to turn on the charm like never before, but can Max master the rules of love?
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[personal profile] reviews_and_ramblings
Rubber-Band Ball (The Mason Braithwaite #5) Christopher Church
Gay - Sci-Fi / Futuristic
Series: The Mason Braithwaite Paranormal Mystery Series (Book 5)
Paperback: 254 pages
Publisher: Dagmar Miura (January 3, 2017)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1942267193
ISBN-13: 978-1942267195
Amazon: Rubber-Band Ball (The Mason Braithwaite #5) Christopher Church

A metallurgist's desire for Mason to locate the earth energy points running under Los Angeles seems straightforward enough, but what is he planning to do with them once he knows where they are? A shady real estate transaction and a bizarre machine hidden in the backyard might reveal some answers. Mason's research leads him to Julia, a waitress and part-time banker who draws him into a quest of her own, plumbing the depths of the radio era when she uncovers a cache of forgotten artifacts. And what does Meg, descendant of a long forgotten radio star, know about it, hiding from the world in her townhouse? From digging up the yard to tracking down clues on the other side of the country, and with the begrudging support of his boyfriend, Ned, and help from their roommate, Peggy, the intrepid bicycle-riding psychic investigator uses his paranormal skills and real-world insights to get to the bottom of the twisted mystery.
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[personal profile] reviews_and_ramblings
The Invisible Arrow (The Mason Braithwaite #6) Christopher Church
Gay - Sci-Fi / Futuristic
Series: The Mason Braithwaite Paranormal Mystery Series (Book 6)
Paperback: 286 pages
Publisher: Dagmar Miura (July 5, 2017)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1942267320
ISBN-13: 978-1942267324
Amazon: The Invisible Arrow (The Mason Braithwaite #6) Christopher Church

When an old client sends psychic investigator Mason on a ghost hunt, he stumbles onto a research lab populated by strangely passive scientists with some remarkably advanced tech. Ingratiating himself with Annette, the director, by participating in the local town's folk festival as the Hunter, Mason scores a gig--to find Qualtrough, a scientist gone missing under mysterious circumstances. Equipped by the researchers with a new suit and a fat wad of cash, and using his burgeoning psychic powers, Mason sets out on his own to hunt for Qualtrough in the shadowy underworld of Los Angeles nightlife, tangling with drag queens, cops, and con artists and finding his voice in an unfamiliar world.
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[personal profile] reviews_and_ramblings
Where The Light Glows Dena Blake
Lesbian - Contemporary Romance
Paperback: 240 pages
Publisher: Bold Strokes Books (May 16, 2017)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1626399581
ISBN-13: 978-1626399587
Amazon: Where The Light Glows Dena Blake

Izzy Calabrese wants to make her restaurant a success. She has a passion for cooking and life in general. Romance is the furthest thing from her mind when she finds Mel Thomas crying after being abandoned by her husband…again. She tries to distance herself from Mel, but she keeps showing up.

Clients know Mel Thomas as the CEO of her own consulting firm. She’s smart, engaging, and successful. Anyone who knows her would never think she’s insecure, but she’s more fragile than anyone knows. Her marriage on shaky ground, she doesn’t know how, or if, it can be salvaged. All she’s ever wanted in a relationship is someone’s attention. She thinks she may have found the person who can give that to her. Never in her wildest dreams did she expect it to be Izzy.
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[personal profile] reviews_and_ramblings
Snap Shot (Cayuga Cougars #1) V.L. Locey
Transgender - Erotic Romance
Series: Cayuga Cougars
Paperback: 160 pages
Publisher: CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform (March 27, 2017)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 1544986114
ISBN-13: 978-1544986111
Amazon: Snap Shot (Cayuga Cougars #1) V.L. Locey

Mario McGarrity has been around the block – and rink – more than a few times. He’s creeping up on retirement age, has some dings and dents, and says what’s on his mind. Not exactly what most would consider a luxury ride, but his beautiful Lila - the transgender woman who stole his heart - loves him like no other woman ever has despite a little rust here and there. Everything is good - no, great - aside from the distance issue, until a surprise from Lila’s past crops up and moves in with her. Can Mario be the family man that Lila needs, or is this one game the old vet is unable to skate in?

signal boost: kittans

Jul. 15th, 2017 04:17 pm
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
[personal profile] alatefeline
The wonderful [personal profile] conuly has been attempting to feed, medicate, and shelter two semi-feral kittens, and has finally got them into a safe contained space. Anyone in the greater NYC area interested in two baby kitties who are a bit wild and shy but young enough to learn to love people?

Edited: If not, once they've been checked up and cleaned up and properly treated for eye troubles, they'll be moving on...to a shelter, a foster home, or TNR, depending on what's available and how their socialization goes.

http://conuly.dreamwidth.org/2556978.html
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
[personal profile] alatefeline
You can call me alatefeline.

More detailed rambling about name and pronouns and gender feels below. Read more... )

I was going to write about 3 sentences to try and update and streamline my sticky post. Ha. Ha. Ha. I love you, folks. If you’ve read this far you get a virtual cookie.

ETA: Also please feel free to comment here, or on another post/comment from me, or message me, whenever, regarding any identity/name/pronoun stuffs you want me to do differently/better for you!!!
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[personal profile] reviews_and_ramblings
Andre in Flight Laura Lascarso
Gay - Paranormal Romance
File Size: 1502 KB
Print Length: 134 pages
Simultaneous Device Usage: Unlimited
Publisher: Dreamspinner Press; 1 edition (November 16, 2016)
Publication Date: November 16, 2016
Amazon: Andre in Flight Laura Lascarso

When up-and-coming Miami painter Martin Fonseca encounters youthful pretty boy Andre Bellamy washing dishes in the kitchen of La Candela, he swears he’s known him before, intimately. But Andre only arrived in Miami weeks ago, after running away from small-town Alabama and his abusive father. When Martin discovers Andre trading sexual favors for a place to stay, he offers him a room in his studio apartment. As roommates only.

What starts as a playful friendship turns into something more as Andre begins posing for Martin, whose true passion is painting fantastical portraits. Martin’s obsession with Andre grows until they are sharing more than just flirtatious conversation. But when an eccentric art collector buys one of Martin’s paintings, Martin’s past jealousies resurface and threaten to destroy what he and Andre have so lovingly built.

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