sinisterporpoise: (Default)
[personal profile] sinisterporpoise
 Note to self: Even if you think you have valid reasons based on memories you don't fully trust to be worried about someone, do not project your own ableist fears onto others.  (Yes, you don't want to see what happened to your mother happen to anyone else, but you also know despite your best efforts, nothing you did prevented your mother's death.)

Further note to self: It might be a good idea to actually talk to a psychologist regarding your concerns/fears that you might have some milder form of schizophrenia or schizoafective disorder.

Date: 2017-04-29 03:19 pm (UTC)
vladdraculea: Rainbow Autistic Pride lemniscate over the black, grey, white, and purple stripes of the Asexuality Pride flag (Default)
From: [personal profile] vladdraculea
That wasn't the main point of my issues with your assumptions last night: after all, there is no shame in having schizo affective disorder, schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, nor any of the other conditions deemed “serious mental illness”.

It's that — despite all evidence to the contrary, as demonstrated by you reading Ben's and my housemates' journal — you insisted on reverting to conflating those conditions with that of people who have bodymates/headmates. And you continued to conflate the two even after I told you as much.

It's like insisting that non-speaking Autistics automatically have intellectual disability — which they (sometimes we) don't.

These kinds of conflations are actively harmful to people. In the case of non-speaking Autistics, it means parents and carers and other professionals often neglect to assist them to learn to communicate via non-speaking methods (e.g.: sign language, typing, AAC, letter boards, etc.), and in the case of Plurality, it can mean forcing unnecessary “treatment” on people just because they happen to share a body. The former is criminal neglect and psychological torture, the latter is psychiatric abuse. Neither are okay, so please get your facts straight before you overreact one day and really hurt someone.

Date: 2017-04-30 03:28 am (UTC)
vladdraculea: Rainbow Autistic Pride lemniscate over the black, grey, white, and purple stripes of the Asexuality Pride flag (Default)
From: [personal profile] vladdraculea
Thank you.

Date: 2017-04-30 03:28 am (UTC)
vladdraculea: Rainbow Autistic Pride lemniscate over the black, grey, white, and purple stripes of the Asexuality Pride flag (Default)
From: [personal profile] vladdraculea
At this point, I think trying to explain my thinking would only make things worse, …

I wasn't asking you to (keep trying to) explain your thinking: I'm pretty sure you're in some kind of tangle where your brain isn't able to see things clearly. I've been there before and over the years I've finally come to understand that no explanation of that kind of tangle can serve to be anything but hurtful to the person you're having the tangled thinking and tangled emotions about.

Looking back on situations where I was in a similar state of mind — e.g.: on having been called out upon saying/doing something racist I hadn't realized was racist — I regret that I didn't have the grace to just say “thank you” (and, if it seemed helpful, to apologize with a simple “I'm sorry”), then leave it at that.

And I regret that I also have made the mistake of additionally burdening someone I've hurt by asking them to take care of my emotional needs around my own painful past that may (or may not) have contributed to my offensive remarks/actions. As a disabled person, it ought to have occurred to me long ago that being on the other end of such behavior is exhausting, not to mention that it can compound the pain of the initial insult.

And while such incidents are fewer and farther between, it's not like I've stopped screwing up. It's just that I've gotten much better at not making things worse once I've been made aware of my initial offense. No one is perfect, which is why you needn't have been in such a state of shame that you would find yourself compelled to try to plead “mitigating circumstances” — e.g.: “it's not my fault I said something racist: I grew up white, I couldn't help it“. It's best just to avoid making excuses and resolve to oneself to do better next time. And the time after that. And the time after that. And eventually it gets easier, and the humility and grace (in the figurative, if not also the religious sense) comes more naturally and easily with time and sincere effort.

ETA: I am sorry the pain, sadness, and trauma around your mother's illness and passing have been especially poignant for you in recent weeks. 💜 *offers silk-dragon hugs if wanted* 💜 That can't be easy at all, and my heart goes out to you. 💙
Edited (grammar + thought of something else) Date: 2017-04-30 03:37 am (UTC)

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