sinisterporpoise: (Default)
[personal profile] sinisterporpoise
 This post mentions something in the title,, but it is not about this particular college-level Math course. I have good reasons to be worried about this class, but I am passing. I had to work hard to get there. I am more worried -that because my grade stands at 69.9%, that I'l lose funding because of Vocational Rehabilitation's rules.  In any case, this should be brought up with my teacher. (And I did voice some things out of frustration, but I've tried to be more positive about it, but saying it's the last math class I'll probably ever have to take in my life didn't help things here. I  am not applying the lessons I learned with Mrs. Boonie, my 8th grade art teacher. While I'll never be a professional artist, she did not need to constantly know how much I hated the class and how useless I thought it was.  The D I got in that class may have been unfair, but it was completely understandable.)

As an indirect result of this class, and details I won't gloss over, I'm going to institute some new personal policies.

1.) Do not divide attention between topics when talking to someone. Human brains are not designed for multi-tasking.
2.) Do not try to communicate important concepts to people, Lara, when you know your brain is fried.  (This includes when you wake up ten times during the night and did not sleep well.)

If I may go on to other ramblings, I've wondered about something. If someone tells me a problem, my first instinct is to offer a solution, whether it's asked for or not. I  don't think this is entirely a socialized as male thing, although men tend to interact with each other this way.  Some part of me feels this phrasing is sexist, but it is not my fault that our parents try to raise us in certain gender roles and society later reinforces them. I've also seen too many TERFs use this idea in a harmful way.  I can sometimes realize people aren't looking for solutions.  Sometimes I do not. is it the computer background that causes me to do this or is it just a misunderstanding on my part? (Likely the latter, and a lot of autism thrown in.)

Not that everything here is due to autism. Sometimes I just don't think I realize how I might be coming off.  Laying guilt trips on people is something I don't want to do. (If I didn't like my mother or younger brother doing it to me, other people probably don't like me laying guilt trips on them. This is just simple logic.)

Also, I learned the phrase alexithymic.

Date: 2017-04-22 05:42 pm (UTC)
vladdraculea: Rainbow Autistic Pride lemniscate over the black, grey, white, and purple stripes of the Asexuality Pride flag (Default)
From: [personal profile] vladdraculea
TERFs are completely wrong here: it's not like all cis women remember to sympathize or try to understand where someone is coming from when they need to talk and get stuff off their chest. And it's not like all cis men try to give advice as their first response when someone confides in them about a problem in their life.

Certainly the common belief is that there is a gender split — men are said to be more likely to do this, while women are said to be more likely to sympathize first — but that hasn't born out in my experience. My father is more likely to sympathize, while my mother is more likely to snap useless advice at me (though these days she's gotten way better than she used to be about this).

In my opinion, it's a communication skills thing, rather than a gender thing. Partly it may be a brain-wiring thing, but partly I think it's how you're raised. People raised by elders who commonly respond sympathetically — listen without interrupting, occasionally nod, express sympathy, squeeze a hand or shoulder, maybe ask a non-leading question or two, etc. — tend to be more likely to do the same with others as they themselves grow up. People raised by those who jump in with advice whether asked for or not tend to do the same as they themselves grow to adulthood.

It's a cycle of abuse thing, IMO. But since most people in our culture don't realize it can be abusive not to *show* your sympathy to someone confiding something to you, we often don't realize how much damage this can do to working and family relationships over time.

Date: 2017-04-22 06:46 pm (UTC)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
From: [personal profile] alatefeline
I also do the 'immediate problem-solving offered' thing. I am also autistic. There may be correlation, but I don't know if that's what matters.

Another way to look at it is that this is a strategy. Sometimes it helps. Sometimes it does not. People have preferred and less-preferred strategies inbound and outbound for getting the information and emotional valiadation they need out of a conversation.

I think what matters is asking Does It Work? and trying to tell apart the times when it does work from the times when it does not work. With those kinds of fine social gradient distinctions being exactly what are the hardest for me. I have a few rough guidelines on this for myself, but yours will likely be different.

>> I don't think this is entirely a socialized as male thing, although men tend to interact with each other this way. << I think this is a distraction from the topic at hand and a guilt trip laid on you. Fuck the TERFs. Every single person has a UNIQUE set of experiences. And the experience of people telling you you are gender whatever when you are *not* is crucially different from that of people reinforcing a gender that someone actually identifies with. Yes it is informative of your current experience if people expected you to act male, but not moreso than the equally important facts of how you *felt* about that. Also, at least one person I know who was theoretically also 'socialized as male' (ick) is the LEAST problem-solve-y and most just-listen-y person I know well. So. YMMV.

So. That is a thought. Well, several. Please please let me know if those were HELPFUl thoughts to offer or not. (Um. Yeah.)

Date: 2017-04-23 11:41 pm (UTC)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
From: [personal profile] alatefeline
I apologize; I think that my comment was poorly worded and, while intended to be supportive, probably didn't help. I'm sorry. I'll reread, and try to do better next time.

Date: 2017-04-24 02:18 am (UTC)
alatefeline: Painting of a cat asleep on a book. (Default)
From: [personal profile] alatefeline
It'll be okay. I think I assumed the topic under discussion was slightly different than it was, and I think you replied broadly to both my comment and other comments made. It is your blog; you can discuss what you like, or not.


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